Emily Jamea, Ph.D., is a intercourse therapist, writer and podcast host. You’ll find her right here every month to share her newest ideas about intercourse.

Serena and Jake returned for a check-in session. It had been two months since we rounded out our remedy collectively, however — like most purchasers — they wished an “accountability” session to ensure they have been nonetheless heading in the right direction.

They initially sought me out for assist working by way of need points. They’d been married for 15 years and located themselves in a rut. Jake struggled to get within the temper due to stress at work and the fatigue that comes with getting older. Serena discovered herself tapped out after working the kids forwards and backwards to their numerous actions, wanting nothing greater than an hour alone on the finish of the day to unwind.

I helped them discover methods to reconnect, they usually fortunately reported that issues have been nonetheless going properly since they’d final seen me. However I sensed a “however.”

“However,” Jake stated, “we wish extra.”

“What do you imply?” I requested.

Serena jumped in. “Don’t get me unsuitable,” she stated, “we’re so grateful for all we’ve achieved with you. We have been like two ships passing within the night time earlier than remedy. We’re leaps and bounds higher than that, however I really feel like there’s nonetheless room for enchancment. It’s arduous for me to articulate what precisely we’re wanting.”

“One of the simplest ways I can describe it,” Jake stated, “is that intercourse feels slightly robotic. I need intercourse to really feel prefer it seems to really feel within the motion pictures — easy. I need extra ardour. I need to get misplaced within the second. That isn’t taking place but.”

If Jake and Serena had seen me 5 years in the past, I’d have informed them what all intercourse therapists are skilled to say when {couples} say they need Hollywood-style intercourse. I’d have reminded them that intercourse is extra scripted than ever when it occurs on display and that these are actors paid to faux like they’re getting misplaced within the second. I’d have popped their fantasy for intercourse like that, adjusted their expectations and despatched them on their merry manner.

I observed, nonetheless, that an increasing number of of my purchasers have been expressing that they wished extra. I may simply assist them overcome issues like low need, lack of ability to orgasm or erectile dysfunction, however I struggled to present them actionable instruments to haven’t simply good intercourse however distinctive intercourse.

I contemplated methods to assist them. I assumed concerning the phrases they used to explain the intercourse they wished — intercourse that I assumed solely occurred within the honeymoon stage. Like Jake, they wished to really feel misplaced within the expertise, completely absorbed, a sense of merger. They wished religious intercourse, even when they weren’t spiritual.

After which I had a lightbulb second. They wished to expertise a state of stream throughout intercourse. A state of stream occurs once you’re engaged in an exercise that makes it look like time accelerates or slows down. There’s a sense of effortlessness regardless of feeling in management. The exercise has 100% of your consideration and focus. Consider a surfer who describes being at one with a wave or an artist who will get misplaced in a portray.

Movement is a time period coined by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. He spent many years researching stream all all over the world and found that it’s common. Surgeons, manufacturing facility employees, jazz ensembles, athletes, artists — everyone is able to stream. He recognized eight core traits:

• Full focus
• Transformation of time
• Merger of motion and consciousness
• Steadiness of problem and expertise
• Clear targets and quick suggestions
• A sense of management over the duty
• Intrinsic reward
• A way of effortlessness

It’s not essential to expertise all eight of those traits on the identical time, however most individuals expertise not less than a number of once they’re in a state of stream.

I turned my consideration to the educational analysis to see what I may discover concerning the relationship between stream and intercourse, however got here up clean. I used to be shocked. A state of stream is what my purchasers would like to really feel once they make love. The closest analysis I may discover was a sequence of research completed by Peggy Kleinplatz. She sourced individuals who skilled “optimum intercourse,” and interviewed them to seek out out what set these experiences aside. They used related language to stream. For instance, lots of them described intercourse that was transcendent and gave them a sense of merger, however there have been additionally some variations.

I got down to get some solutions and initiated my very own analysis examine. I studied 100 people who have been in long-term monogamous relationships. I didn’t embrace {couples} who may nonetheless be having “honeymoon” intercourse. I hoped to debunk the parable that nice intercourse solely occurs within the early days of a relationship or is barely reserved for the younger and able-bodied. I administered two questionnaires — one which assessed sexual satisfaction and one which assessed whether or not {couples} have been experiencing a state of stream throughout intercourse. In assist of my speculation, I found that there was a constructive correlation between stream and sexual satisfaction, and that experiencing a state of stream predicted higher satisfaction.

You could be questioning what the secrets and techniques are. Researchers have recognized a number of stream triggers. Venturing barely exterior your regular consolation zone, minimizing distraction so you possibly can totally focus, having a “sure, and …” perspective when collaborating on issues to attempt together with your associate, and being extra totally current in your physique all assist set off a state of stream. J

I made a decision to show Jake and Serena some methods they might expertise a state of stream throughout intercourse. Lo and behold, it labored! They have been lastly capable of expertise the sensation they’d been longing.

Anybody can study to expertise a state of stream throughout intercourse. Comply with me for extra stream steerage and keep tuned for the discharge of my upcoming guide, which takes a deep dive into stream and intercourse.